Later that night, even after being consumed by the presence of the Lord... I messed up AGAIN!

"Lord, I don't understand! Why do I continue to mess up? Why do I continue to fall short? Why can't I just make it all stop? I'm never going to get it right! You showed me your love like I've never felt before and I STILL screwed up!"

I talked with one of my squad mates that morning about what happened. I started crying again. As this person held me, snot now all over their shirt, I couldn't let any words out.

They told me, "Jessica, I'm not mad. I was just scared. I'm not mad. I still love you. The Lord still loves you. It's okay."

Seriously?!? Why? Why do you still love me? Why do you still care? I don't understand. Wouldn't it just be easier if you were just mad at me? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if I just went home? I don't get it!

As I played the scenario over and over and over again in my head, trying to make sense of all that happened. Trying to figure out how it was possible. I heard my teammate playing a song that I had heard a million times, but for the first time it became real...

 "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me..."

There is nothing that can separate us from God's love.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, not things present not things to come, nor powers, nor heights nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 -Romans 8:38-39

"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

Later that night, even after being consumed by the presence of the Lord... I messed up AGAIN!

"Lord, I don't understand! Why do I continue to mess up? Why do I continue to fall short? Why can't I just make it all stop? I'm never going to get it right! You showed me your love like I've never felt before and I STILL screwed up!"

I talked with one of my squad mates that morning about what happened. I started crying again. As this person held me, snot now all over their shirt, I couldn't let any words out.

They told me, "Jessica, I'm not mad. I was just scared. I'm not mad. I still love you. The Lord still loves you. It's okay."

Seriously?!? Why? Why do you still love me? Why do you still care? I don't understand. Wouldn't it just be easier if you were just mad at me? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if I just went home? I don't get it!

As I played the scenario over and over and over again in my head, trying to make sense of all that happened. Trying to figure out how it was possible. I heard my teammate playing a song that I had heard a million times, but for the first time it became real...

 "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me..."

There is nothing that can separate us from God's love.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, not things present not things to come, nor powers, nor heights nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 -Romans 8:38-39

"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

I messed up.

Not a little screw up, brush the dirt off your shoulders, and it's all good.

I messed up big time.

Every time I feel my head slowly come up out of the quicksand, I'm sucked back in.

I feel crippled by fear.

Fear that maybe this time I messed up too bad. Fear that maybe this time erases all the times that I've been used by Him. Fear that if anyone were to know that I'd be labeled for life by something I thought was in the past.

I feel crippled by shame.

“Why would God possibly still want to use me after that?”

As I was lying in bed with my face covered in snot and tears, I couldn't wrap my head around it. I felt lower than I had ever before. I was battling in my head and saying, “Lord, how did this happen? I've been traveling around the world for over 9 months now. I've shared your love with people. I've told people about your truth. I know that this was wrong. How could I have been so dumb?”

In the middle of the tears, in the middle of the pain the Lord showed me what happened.

He showed me how I was side swiped by the throat.

He showed me how I was daggling in mid-air.

He showed me how I could only manage to cry out, “Lord, help…”

He showed me how HE sent in one of His warriors to push the enemy off of me.

He showed me how HE came in.

He showed me how HE saved me.

He showed me how HE cradled me in His arms.

He showed me how HE put me back on my feet.

That same night was when our squad did a worship session. I was overwhelmed by this fear. By the shame. By the guilt. By everything. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They just kept coming. It was like a wall that had been built up finally couldn't hold back the flood anymore.

“God, why? Why did you save me when I knew what I did was wrong? I sinned against you and you still came to my rescue.”

“Because I love you. I always have and always will.”

In that moment, I was consumed by the presence of the Lord. I felt His overwhelming love take over me. I felt His love pour into every broken part, into every ache, into every pain, and more.

The next song that came on…

“I may be weak, your spirit's strong in me!

Yesterday during our prayer time the girls and I went around the room and told each other different areas of our life where God has shown up leading us to where we are today. Then I came across a blog my roommate from my senior year of college wrote called "Looking Back..." and it's inspired me to write one as well.

There are sometimes when I honestly forget how much the Lord has shown up in my life. There are times when I forget how truly broken I was and of the times when I cried out to God for help. The Lord provided for me and I want to take a minute to look back on that.

My senior year I had every intension on going to Kennesaw State University along with some of my friends that were going there. I honestly didn't care where I went to school but for later reasons I ended up at Georgia Southern.

My freshman year of college I started drinking. I was in the dorms one night and cops came in while my friends were drinking and we all got breathalyzed. I was the only one that blew a 0.0 but I was drinking that night too...? If I would have blown above that, I would have been on probation both with the cops and at school.

I started dating a guy this year and through him I met a girl who got me plugged in with First Baptist Church. Even though we didn't work out, I slowly put one foot back into the church. If I wouldn't have dated that guy, I wouldn't have made connections at that church.

I went to the Dominican Republic my sophomore year. This was the year I was crying to the Lord for a way out of the life I had been pulled into. On this trip is where I met my roommate for my junior and my head started to slowly come out of the water as I connected more with this church. If I wouldn't have gone on that trip, I would honestly either be dead or in jail at the rate I was at. (not trying to exaggerate on that) 

I went again my Junior year and God broke my heart for missions. Even though I didn't know it at the time but Candyn (who was also on the trip) was my future roommate. If I wouldn't have gone on that trip again, I wouldn't have realized my strong passion for mission. 

Since the beginning of February I had been praying for roommates that would push me toward the Lord. I had a few offers but they fell through whether because of them transferring or fights we got into, either way it didn't work. My friend Chase and I went to lunch one day and he told me that his sister Aubree was looking for a roommate. Aubree and I had 3 classes together that semester so we already knew each other. I knew after I talked to her that this is where the Lord wanted me to be. Had I not gone to lunch that day, I wouldn't have ended up at 519 with Aubree, Candyn, and Linsday!

My senior year I was on a flag football team with a girl I knew from the BCM. Even though I didn't know the other girls they opened up to me right away. This is where I met my friend Becca who I went to Passion 2011 with. Had I not joined that team, I wouldn't have had a vision from the Lord that turned my life around.

The summer before my Senior year I lived with my best friend Jessica and her friend Kristina. Kristina was majoring in General Studies, something that I had only heard of but never looked into. After hearing more about it, I changed my major to General Studies. Had I not changed my major I would not be on the race because I wouldn't have finished my double major until December 2012! 

I could seriously sit here and talk forever about how good God is. I could talk forever about how even in my mess did God continued to pursue me and have His hand in it all. God's timing is absolutely perfect. There are days when I still forget because I still get angry, I'm still impatient, and I still mess up. But God's grace and perfect timing has brought me to where I'm today, sitting in a coffee shop in Chiang Mai, Thailand, thanking Him for His grace on my life. 

I want to encourage you to do the same today. Take a few minutes and LOOK BACK and see the way God has transformed you. It's worth it!

I'M GOING ON A DATE TONIGHT AND SATURDAY!

Part of our ministry here in Thailand is building relationship with the girls and taking them out on dates. I have been building a relationship with one woman who works at a restaurant on the bar street. She only works during the day so last week I asked if she wanted to have dinner and hang out but she wasn't feeling well so she wasn't able to go. Kursti and I decided to take her a good 'ole American remedy to help make her feel better... Gatorade, mentos, and M&Ms. Okay so maybe not the best remedy but it works for me. By my surprise, it worked for her too. On Monday she was feeling much better so we asked her again about dinner she told us she was available any day after Tuesday. SCORE!! We went back yesterday to confirm our date for tonight; not only am I really excited but she is as well!

During our night outreach, Kursti and I felt led to go to a particular bar that's been on my heart since the first day we got here. Although in this bar we aren't allowed to build relationships with the girls because they are in the process of taking a girl out of there. When we do go in there we order are cokes (or in mine and Kursti's case Red Bull because there are the same price as the cokes) and pray over the place.  After about 30 minutes or so we made our way to the next bar. This is a bar I had visited a few times with Kursti and Nicole. When we went in the main bartender came up to us and was so excited to see us. We sat and talked for a while, then I leaned over and asked Kursti if they had been able to take her out yet. Kursti said because she lives outside the city she hasn't been able to. The woman overheard us and got really excited! She told us that she had off #7. Kursti and I looked at each other... #7? Then we realized she had off the 7^th. It took us a second to get that one. She started talking about how she had a truck that she would invite her friends and we could invite our friends and we'd make a day out of it. Kursti and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes because we were ecstatic! Apparently all the bars are closed on Saturday because of elections and there's a funeral for someone related to the king (you can't sell alcohol on those days). So we're taking out the WHOLE bar!!

Thank you so much for your prayers and support! Thank you for helping make this all possible! I will make sure to post a follow up blog to let you know how the dates go!

(Of course bar ministry includes playing a little pool!)

How can I sit there and just watch all of this happen? How can I sit there and sip a coke knowing what is going on all around me? How can I sit there and listen to people discuss prices for the night? How can I just sit there? Someone please tell me.

My heart is breaking. My heart is literally being ripped out of my chest. I want to talk to these girls and tell them how beautiful they are, not from a worldly perspective but how God views them. I want them to know that they are worth someone loving them the way they deserve to be loved. I want to tell them that their hearts are worth more than one night. I want to tell them that the money they are receiving each night will never satisfy them. I want to tell them that even if they had all the money in the world it would never take away the pain. I want to tell the men that this "love" will never satisfy them no matter how many times they come back. The hole that they are looking to fill will never be filled this way.   

I want to tell them all of this not because it's something that I've heard in the church I grew up in or at every VBS I've ever been to but because it's something I know. 

I know what it's like to be unsatisfied by the things of this world. 

I know what it's like to wear short shorts and low cut shirts, basically selling your body just to make more money at work. 

I know what it's like to have your boss watch over you making sure the customers are being "taken care of." 

I know what it's like to drink until the pain goes away. 

I know what it's like to be so high you can't feel anything anymore. 

I know what it's like to check a scale everyday to make sure that you haven't gained weight because of course everyone would notice if you gain even a half a pound. 

I know what it's like to flirt with someone to get the "love" you want/ need even if it's just one night. 

I know what it's like to feel stuck with no way out. 

Then I think, honestly I don't know anything. I don't know anything about these girls. I don't know anything about their past. I don't know what they've been through or what they're going through. For all I know these girls have never even heard of God and Jesus, which makes my heart break even more. Even through this period of life I knew God. I wasn't following Him but I knew who He was.

I want to put down the coke I'm drinking as I watch all of this go on, march over to these girls, "cock-block" the guy, take the girls to a coffee shop and explain all of this to them. What's that going to do though? Nothing. That's what God showed me within about 2 minutes of sitting in the bar on Thursday night. This battle is so much bigger than me. It's bigger than anything I can do. Honestly, I am so thankful that my God is bigger than that. I am so thankful that when I sit in a bar drinking a coke and cry out to the Father that He hears my cries. Not only does He hear my cry, He listens and is answering my prayers. This is not a physical battle but a spiritual battle. The good new is the battle has already been won!! It's not over though because Christ has not come back yet so we must keep fighting and pressing on until the end. 

I'm asking that you join alongside us in this battle by lifting up in prayer: the bar girls, the men that walk into the bars, the ministry here in Thailand, our teams, our conversations, that our hearts and thoughts would remain pure, and just that the love of Christ will be poured all over this place. Thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers.  

1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Never stop praying." 

$2 for a soda and conversation

$10 for a day date

$12 for an hour

$66 for the whole night

Some of you might be thinking, what in the world is she talking about. I'm talking about the prices people have labeled on the girls that have been sold into human trafficking here in Thailand. 

I don't know how many of you have heard about the issue of human trafficking. If you haven't, I want to take a second and briefly explain. 

Human Trafficking is a crime against humanity. It involves an act of recruiting, transporting, transferring, or receiving a person through a use of force, coercion or other means, for the purpose of exploiting them. Exploitation includes, but not limited to, the exploitation of the prostitution of others or other forms of sexual exploitation, forced labor or services, or slavery. Every year, thousands of men, women and children fall into the hands of traffickers, in their own countries and abroad.

I want to give you some more numbers...

1.2 million children are being trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking

Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation

The average age of a trafficked victim is 12-14 years old

Approximately 30 million children have lost their childhood through sexual exploitation over the past 30 years

People are trafficked from 127 countries to be exploited in 137 countries... (in case you didn't know, there are 194 countries in the world)

The total market value of illicit human trafficking is estimated to be in excess $32 billion a year. 

These are global stats but it's not just an "outside of the states" issue it's a world issue. 

At least 200,000 children in America are victims of sex trafficking each year. 

This month is "Man-istry" month, where the women and men of the W Squad have been split up. My new team Relentless Rescue (Nicole, Jamie, Kursti, Rikki, and I), as well as, Team Tangled have been placed in Chaing Mai, Thailand for this month, where we will be working in the Red Light District. The Red Light District is a part of an urban area where there is a concentration of prostitution and sex-oriented businesses, such as sex shops, strip clubs, adult theatres, etc. The term originates from the red lights that were used as signs of brothels. 

I want to give you another number... 1. 

I don't want to say anything cheesy like one of those sad dog commercials with the music in the background that makes you heart want to break but...

My passion is to make these girls feel loved. Not love from me, not love from you, but the love that is above all... the love of Christ. I want these girls to realize that there is freedom for them, even in their situation, there is someone that loves them more that what they've ever been shown. I want to give these girls a break from "work" for a night to allow the love of God to be poured on them instead of someone physically forced on them. 

You can be the one to help in one girl's life. You can be the one to give that FREEDOM FOR A NIGHT. The prices I gave above are the "prices" that have been labeled for the girls. Can you help me help them? 

If you have prayerfully considered this or if you'd like more information on how you can help, please feel free to send me a message on facebook or email me at: jm00771@georgiasouthern.edu

I'm always on the run.

I quit softball because in 8^th grade I wasn't as good as the high school seniors. I thought they talked about me. I wasn't the best so I quit.

I quit volleyball until there was a new coach because she wanted me to be a setter. I didn't think that I could do it and I didn't want to disappoint her so I quit.

When things went wrong with roommates I never talked about it with them I just moved out. Leading to six houses in 4 years.

In college, yea, I went on dates, "talked" to guys, and hung out. Things could have been perfect but the second they wanted to talk about a relationship I was out of there.

I never truly put my whole heart into something because I was scared and always on the run.

I was scared of..

...disappointing someone

...not being the best

...rejection

...conflict

...commitment

... the what-ifs

...the unknown future

You name it and I was scared of it.

Heck, I came on the World Race to run away from my "problems." You want to know how much that worked out?!? Not at all. I actually found out that I had more problems than I could even see. All the things I said I was scared of I didn't know I was scared of until I was standing somewhere in another country with no where to run. Isn't that funny how that worked out. I really do think that God has a great sense of humor.

The first three months of the race I was carrying around the fear of disappointment. I thought that I was going to disappoint God, my teammates, squad leaders, and myself. How can I disappoint God if He already knows what I'm going to do? (Romans 3:23) Truth is that I am going to disappoint people and people are going to disappoint me because we are human. I had to learn to give grace to others and to give grace to myself. Otherwise I was going to be walking around trying to please everyone. Again I'm human. (Colossians 3:23)

Month 4 and 5 made me realize I was scared of not being the best. I noticed that a member of my team and I were a lot alike. We both liked the same sports, super competitive, loved children... but she's more outgoing. I compared myself and said that she was better than me. So instead of loving on the children just as much I let her have them, so to say. All running away did was break my heart. I realized there are going to be things I'm not the best at and you know what that's okay. I'm still going to go for it and give 110% because I love it.

Month 7 I tried to run away hard. A teammate and I got into an argument and I lost it. I had had enough. I walked out of team time, didn't come back to it, and sat up against a wall in Mozambique (a country most people have never heard of) with nowhere to go. I couldn't get in the car and drive somewhere. I couldn't go to the gym and release my frustration. Heck, I couldn't even walk down the street alone. I couldn't call someone to come get me. I just had to sit there fuming. In the states, I have left and not talked to or seen that person for a while. I wanted so badly to run away that I made the team leader call the squad leaders because if something didn't change I was on the next flight home. Clearly, I'm not home so something did change. I couldn't run away for a change. After a day of cooling off we talked it out and looking at our team from the outside you would have no idea that had happened.

Here we are month 8 and God's teaching me so much, but I'm still trying to run away. One thing I've shared with my team is that I'm scared in 3 months that will be it. Eventually we'll move on with our lives and not keep in contact with each other. As many times as they've told me it's not going to happen it's hard to believe, even though I really want to. I noticed that I wasn't emotionally pressing into my team because I felt like it might hurt less that way. I was scared of the unknown. I was scared to commit to something I wasn't sure was going to work out or last. So I was trying to emotionally run away if I couldn't physically.

After the mountain with our squad leader, Nathan, the Lord just revealed so much to me and showed me what I had been doing for so long. I've realized that running away hurts more.

When does the running stop? Where does it end? RIGHT NOW! RIGHT HERE! March 5, 2012 in Manzini, Swaziland. I'm done running away from the things I love to do and the people I love and care about.

I love sports too much to quit.

I love my teammates too much to give up on them or let them go.

I love the Lord too much to keep running away.

No longer am I the runaway child.